I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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