I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
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