you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
