I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
