there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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