I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
