You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Randomize
