this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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