There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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