My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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