I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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