my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
