there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
how drunk are you?
Several
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
