so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
