Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
