found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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