I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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