Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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