Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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