I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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