Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
