So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
