I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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