There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
