Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
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