I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I love how my cats smell like pot.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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