God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
