I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
