The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
