it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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