I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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