what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
