This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
no, he came in my armpit
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Liz is crying about burritos again.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Randomize
