Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
We have started to decorate penises.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
