I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
