im drinking this country out of the recession.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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