I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
