My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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