yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
