Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
it's like iHOP with fire
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
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