Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
