i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
