just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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