I wannas sexs uuuuu
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
