I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
