3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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