My nipple is on Facebook.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
