I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Randomize
