I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
