turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
