ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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