Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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