We named our party play list daddy issues
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I just googled if crying burns calories
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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